The Big Luder Jokes & Quotes

Mr. Honda, of the Honda Motorcycle Corporation, died and went to heaven for judgment. At the gates, St. Peter told Mr. Honda, "Since you've been such a good man and your motorcycles have changed the world, your reward is, you can hang out with anyone you want in Heaven." Mr. Honda thought about it for a minute and then said, "I want to hang out with God. I have a question for Him". St. Peter took Mr. Honda to the Throne Room and introduced him to God. He then asked God, "Aren't you the inventor of women?" God Said, "Ah, yes, Indeed I am". "Well," said Mr. Honda, "Professional to professional, you have some major flaws in your design: 1- There is too much inconsistency in the front-end protrusion. 2- It chatters constantly at high speeds. 3- Most of the rear ends are too soft and wobble too much. 4- The intake is placed way too close to the exhaust. 5- Plus the monthly down time and aggravation are outrageous, and I don

A couple were invited to a swanky family masked fancy dress Halloween party. The wife got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone. He, being a devoted husband, protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed and there was no need for his good time to be spoiled by not going. So he took his costume and away he went. The wife, after sleeping soundly for about an hour, woke without pain and as it was still early, decided go to the party. As her husband didn't know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him. So she joined the party and soon spotted her husband in his costume,cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice "chick" he could and cupping a little feel here and a little kiss there. His wife went up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his new partner high and dry and devoted his time

Although not familiar with the lake, a woman decides to take the boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors, and reads her book. Along comes a Game Warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and says, "Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?" "Reading a book," she replies, (thinking, "Isn't that obvious?"). "You're in a Restricted Fishing Area," he informs her. "I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading." "Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up." If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault says the woman. "But I haven't even touched you," says the game warden. "That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment." "Have a nice day ma'am" and he left. MORAL: Never argue with a woman wh

Gennaro is in this country for only 6 months. He walks to work 20 blocks every day and passes a shoe store. Each day he stops and looks in the window to admire the Boccelli leather shoes. He wants those shoes so much... it's all he can think about. After about 2 months he saves the price of the shoes, $300, and purchases them. Every Friday night the Italian community holds a dance in the church basement. Gennaro seizes this opportunity to wear his new Boccelli leather shoes for the first time. He asks Sophia to dance and as they dance he asks her, "Sophia, do you wear red panties tonight?" Startled, Sophia replies, "Yes, Gennaro, I do wear red panties tonight, but how do you know?" Gennaro answers, "I see the reflection in my new $300 Boccelli leather shoes. How do you like them?" Next he asks Rosa to dance, and after a few minutes he asks, "Rosa, do you wear white panties tonight?" Rosa answers, "Yes, Gennaro, I do, but how do you kn

Lawyers should never ask a Mississippi grandma a question if they aren't prepared for the answer. In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?" She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you." The lawyer was stunned! Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?" She again replied, "Why, yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster too. He's lazy, bigoted,

Just when you thought K-Mart didn't have it all! One day, in line at a company cafeteria, Joe says to Mike behind him, "My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I better see a doctor." "Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies. "There's a diagnostic computer down at K Mart. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars... a lot cheaper than a doctor." So Joe puts a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to K-Mart. He deposits ten dollars, and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits. Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout: You have tennis elbow. Soak it in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks. Thank you for shopping at K-Mart. That afternoon, while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Joe began wondering if the computer c

A SHIPWRECKED Irishman was overjoyed when a beautiful, wet-suited woman emerged from a small boat which had washed up on the island where he had been stranded for ten years. The woman approached him and said, "Tell me, how long has it been since you've had a cigarette?" "Ten years," replied the Irishman. With that, the woman unzipped a waterproofed pocket on the sleeve or her wetsuit, and pulled out a packet of cigarettes. The Irishman took one, lit it, and through a cloud of smoke beamed, "That's so good. I'd almost forgotten how great a smoke can be." "And how long has it been since you had a drop of good Irish whisky?" asked the woman. Trembling, the Irishman replied, "Ten years." The woman unzipped another pocket, removed a flask and handed it to the man, who took a long drink. "'Nectar of the gods," exclaimed the Irishman. "'Truly fantastic." At this point the woman started to unzip the fr