The Big Luder Jokes & Quotes

It was a typical chaotic Friday evening at a large International Airport. Travelers, friends, relatives, airport personnel, pilots, flight attendants, the handicapped and infirm making their way through the throngs of shoulder to shoulder people. All of the ticket agents were doing their utmost to process each passenger as quickly as they could. But one man (there's always one) toward the end of the snaking line was obviously impatient and very frustrated at having to wait so long. He finally decided to march right up to the counter, pulling his wheeled suitcase and demanded that he be given his boarding pass. The ticket agent turned slightly, looked at him, blinked, took a deep breath and said, "Sir, as you can see there are many passengers ahead of you. We are doing our best to process the passengers as fast as we can. I'm afraid you'll have to get back in line". Outraged at being treated this way, the man yelled at the ticket agent, "Do you know who I am ?

Bazza was moderately successful in his workplace, and reasonably attractive to the ladies, but as he got older he was increasingly hampered by incredible headaches. Then his personal hygiene and love life started to suffer, and he sought medical help. After the usual run around of being referred from one specialist to another, he eventually came across a doctor who diagnosed the problem. "The good news is I can cure your headaches, the bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition which causes your testicles to press up against the base of your spine. The pressure creates one hell of a headache and the increasing withdrawal from all activities. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles." Bazza was shocked and depressed, but decided he had no choice but to go under the knife. After the operation, his mind was clear, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. He walked down the street, and realized that he f

An Aussie was having a coffee and croissants in a cafe when a gum chewing Yanky tourist, sat down beside him. The good natured Aussie tried to ignore the mouthy American, who, nevertheless started up a conversation. As he blew and snapped his gum he asked, 'You Australian folk eat the whole bread?' The Aussie frowned, annoyed with being bothered during his breakfast, and replied, 'of course.' The Yank blew a huge bubble and sneered. 'We don't. In the States, we only eat what's inside. The crusts we collect in a container, recycle them, transform them into croissants and sell them to Australia.' The Yank smirked. The Aussie listened in silence. But.. The American persisted, 'D'ya eat jam with your bread?' Sighing, the Australian replied, 'of course.' Cracking his gum between his teeth, the Yank continued, 'we don't. In the States, we eat fresh fruit for breakfast, then we put all the peels, seeds and the leftovers in containers

Three guys, one Irish, one English, and one Scottish, are out walking along the beach together one day. They come across a lantern and after a bit of a rub over, a Genie pops out of it. A bit tricky, three masters all at once... But she works it out and decides "I will give you each one wish, that's three wishes in total", says the Genie. The Scottish guy goes first, Very practical are the Scots , "I am a fisherman, my Dad's a fisherman, his Dad was a fisherman and my son will be one too. I want all the oceans full of fish for all eternity." Too Easy... So, with a blink of the Genie's eye "FOOM"! the oceans are teaming with fish. The patriotic Englishman was amazed, and knew what he wanted. "I want a wall around England, protecting her, so that no one can get in. " Again, with a blink of the Genie's eye "POOF"! there appears a huge wall around England. The somewhat sceptical Irishman needs a bit more convincing. He's

Four lawyers in a law firm lived and died for their Saturday morning round of golf. It was their favourite moment of the week. Then one of the lawyers was transferred to an office in another city. It wasn't quite the same without him. A new woman lawyer joined their law firm. One day she overheard the remaining three talking about their golf round in the break room. Curious, she spoke up, "You know, I used to play on my golf team in college and I was pretty good. Would you mind if I joined you next week"? The three lawyers looked at each other. They were hesitant. Not one of them wanted to say 'yes', but she had them on the spot. Finally one man said it would be okay, but they would be starting pretty early at 6:30 am. He figured the early Tee-Time would discourage her immediately. The woman said this might be a problem and asked if she could possibly be up to 15 minutes late. They rolled their eyes but said this would be okay. She smiled and said, "Good, th

A couple, both age 78, went to a sex therapist`s office. The doctor asked, "What can I do for you?" The man said, "Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?" The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed. When the couple finished, the doctor said, "There`s nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse," and charged them $50. This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an appointment, have intercourse with no problems, pay the doctor, then leave. Finally the doctor asked, "Just exactly what are you trying to find out?" The old man said, "We're not trying to find out anything. She's married and we can't go to her house. I'm married and we can`t go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $90. The Hilton charges $108. We do it here for $50, and I get $43 back from Medicare.

Three women die in a car accident and go to Heaven. Saint Peter meets them at the Gates and welcomes them saying "you can do as you please in Heaven, there is only one rule... just don't step on any ducks." The women are puzzled but proceed into Heaven. Looking around, they notice there are ducks everywhere. In a matter of minutes, one of the women steps on a duck. Saint Peter walks up to the woman with a hideously ugly man. Saint Peter shackles the man and the woman together and says, "for stepping on a duck, you have to spend eternity chained to this ugly man." The other two women are shocked but go about their business until, sure enough, another woman steps on a duck. Immediately Saint Peter, who never misses a thing, comes and shackles her to another ugly man. The last woman tries desperately to not step on a duck. Several months go by and she has managed to not step on any ducks. Saint Peter walks then up to the woman accompanied by a stunningly handsome m

The other day I went up to a local Christian bookstore and saw a "Honk if you love Jesus" bumper sticker.? I was feeling particularly sassy that day, because I had just come from a thrilling choir practice followed by a powerful prayer meeting, so I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper. I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection just lost in thought about the Lord and how good He is, and I didn't notice that the light had changed. It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus; because if he hadn't honked, I'd never have noticed. I found that LOTS of people love Jesus. Why, while I was sitting there, the nice man behind started honking like crazy, and he leaned out of his window and screamed, "for the love of God, GO! GO!" What an exuberant cheerleader he was for the Lord. Everyone started honking! I just leaned out of my window and started waving and smiling at all these loving people. I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love.

A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning. The wife said, "You should do it, because you get up first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee." The husband said, "You are in charge of cooking around here and you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee." Wife replies, "No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee." Husband replies, "I can't believe that, show me." So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says..... "HEBREWS"

A man said to his wife one day, "I don't know how you can be so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time." The wife responded, "Allow me to explain. God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me; God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!

A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day... 30,000 to a man's 15,000. The wife replied, "The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men. The husband then turned to his wife and asked, "What?"

A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?" "Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."

"Cash, check or charge?" I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase. As she fumbled for her wallet I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse. "So, do you always carry your TV remote?" I asked. "No," she replied, "but my husband refused to come shopping with me, so I figured this was the most legal evil thing I could do to him.

Due to inherit a fortune when his sickly, widower father died, Charles decided he needed a woman to enjoy it with. Going to a singles' bar, he spotted a woman whose beauty took his breath away. "I'm just an ordinary man," he said, walking up to her, "but in just a week or two, my father will die and I'll inherit 20 million dollars." The woman went home with Charles, and the next day she became his stepmother!

There was a man who had worked all his life, had saved all of his money, and was a real miser when it came to his money. Just before he died, he said to his wife, "When I die. I want you to take all my money and put it in the casket with me. I want to take my money to the afterlife with me." And so he got his wife to promise him with all her heart that when he died, she would put all of the money in the casket with him. Well, he died. He was stretched out in the casket; his wife was sitting there in black, and her friend was sitting next to her. When they finished the ceremony, just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said, "Wait just a minute!" She had a box with her; she came over with the box and put it in the casket. Then the undertakers locked the casket down, and the rolled it away. So her friend said, "Girl, I know you weren't fool enough to put all that money in there with your husband." The loyal wife replied, "

Miss Beatrice, The church organist, Was in her eighties And had never been married. She was admired for her sweetness And kindness to all. One afternoon the pastor Came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea. As he sat facing her old Hammond organ, The young minister noticed a cute glass bowl sitting on top of it. The bowl was filled with water, and in the water Floated, of all things, a condom! When she returned With tea and scones, They began to chat. The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist. 'Miss Beatrice', he said, 'I wonder if you would tell me about this?' Pointing to the bowl. 'Oh, yes,' she replied, 'Isn't it wonderful?

Su Wong marries Lee Wong. The next year, the Wongs have a new baby. The nurse brings out a lovely, healthy, bouncy, but definitely a Caucasian, WHITE baby boy. 'Congratulations,' says the nurse to the new parents. 'Well Mr. Wong, what will you and Mrs. Wong name the baby?' The puzzled father looks at his new baby boy and says, 'Well, two Wong's don't make a white, so I think we will name him... Are you ready for this? Sum Ting Wong You know you laughed and are going to send this on!!!

John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, between the legs of me wife!" That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night! He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the Best toast of the night" She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?" John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife." "Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said. The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary." She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he's only been there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come."

A HUSBAND IS AT HOME WATCHING A FOOTBALL MATCH WHEN HIS WIFE INTERRUPTS, 'HONEY, COULD YOU FIX THE LIGHT IN THE HALLWAY? IT'S BEEN FLICKERING FOR WEEKS NOW .' HE LOOKS AT HER AND SAYS ANGRILY, ' FIX THE LIGHTS NOW ? DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE 'POWERGEN' WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD? I DON 'T THINK SO!' 'FINE!' THEN THE WIFE ASKS, ' WELL THEN, COULD YOU FIX THE FRIDGE DOOR? IT WON 'T CLOSE RIGHT' TO WHICH HE REPLIED, ' FIX THE FRIDGE DOOR? DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE 'FRIDGIDAIRE' WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD? I DON 'T THINK SO!' 'FINE!' SHE SAYS 'THEN YOU COULD AT LEAST FIX THE STEPS TO THE FRONT DOOR? THEY ARE ABOUT TO BREAK' 'I'M NOT A CARPENTER AND I DON 'T WANT TO FIX STEPS', HE SAYS, 'DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE ' TAYLOR WOODROW ' WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD? I DON 'T THINK SO! I'VE HAD ENOUGH OF THIS, I'M GOING TO THE PUB !!!!' SO HE GOES TO THE PUB AND DRINKS FOR A COUPLE

One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap. Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors, and reads her book. Along comes a Game Warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and says, 'Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?' 'Reading a book,' she replies, (thinking, 'Isn't that obvious?') 'You're in a Restricted Fishing Area,' he informs her 'I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading' 'Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up.' 'For reading a book,' she replies, 'You're in a Restricted Fishing Area,' he informs her again, 'I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading' 'Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at an

Q. What is the difference between a Drug Dealer and a Hooker? A. A Hooker can wash her crack and sell it again. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Q. What's a mixed feeling? A. When you see your Mother-In-Law backing off a cliff in your new car. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Q. What's the height of conceit? A. Having an orgasm and calling out your own name. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Q. What's the definition of 'Macho'? A. Jogging home from your vasectomy. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Q.. What's the difference between a G-Spot and a golf ball? A. A guy will actually search for a golf ball ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Q. Do you know how New Zealanders practice safe sex? A. They spray paint X's on the back of the sheep that kick! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Q.Why is divorce so expensive? A. Because it

The doctor said, 'Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles..' Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He had no choice but to go under the knife. When he left the hospital, he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life. He saw a men's clothing store and thought, 'That's what I need... A new suit.' He entered the shop and told the salesman, 'I'd like a new suit...' The elderly tailor eye d him briefly and said, 'Let's see... size 44 long.' Joe laughed, &