The Big Luder Jokes & Quotes

One day Jack was driving down the road in a hot red convertable. He was driving 15 mph when a rabbit hopped in front of his car. As Jack swerved the rabbit swerved also and was run over. Jack out of the car and started crying "OH-MY-GOD... OH-MY-GOD!!!!" Just then Diane drives up and asks him what's wrong, when he tells her she says, "Oh I can fix that Jack, don't worry." She goes to her car, pulls out a can and sprays the rabbit with it. It instantly comes alive and hops off, but every five feet it turns back to wave, before finally dissappearing into the forest. Jack is amazed and says, "how did you do that?" Diane just shrugs nonchalantly, tosses him the can and drives off. He looks at the can, which says in bold letters: "Hair Spray: Guarenteed to bring your hair back to life and create a permanent wave."

A van full of nuns gets into an accident and end up at the pearly gates where saint Peter is waiting for them. Next to the pearly gates is a huge tub of holy water. St Peter tells the nuns that even people who sinned a bit can get into heaven, they just have to wash the body part that they sinned with in the holy water and also be honest about their sin. The first nun in line admits that when she was a young girl, she was walking down the street and looked up into this apartment window and saw a man undressing. She did not avert her eyes but watched him for quite awhile. "No prob" St peter said, "wash your eyes in the holy water and enter your reward." The next nun in line admits that when she was a teenager, before she entered the convent, she had a few dates with a young man and on one of them, she touched his penis. "No prob," said St Peter, just wash your hands in the holy water and enter your reward. St Peter hears a commotion and looks over to see th

Wanda's dishwasher quit working so she called in a repairman. Since he could not come straight away, and she had to go to work the next day, she told the repairman, "I'll leave the key under the mat. Fix the dishwasher, leave the bill on the counter, and I'll mail you a cheque ." "Oh, by the way don't worry about my dog Spike. He won't bother you. But, whatever you do, do NOT, under ANY circumstances, talk to my parrot!" "I REPEAT; DO NOT TALK TO MY PARROT!!!" When the repairman arrived at Wanda's apartment the following day, he discovered the biggest, meanest looking dog he has ever seen. But, just as she had said, the dog just lay there on the carpet watching the repairman go about his work. The parrot, however, drove him nuts. It talked all the time, in the foulest language. Constantly going on and on, its incessant yelling, cursing and name calling was appalling . Finally the repairman couldn't contain himself any longer and

A tourist has just arrived in a new city. He finds a taxi that can take him to his motel for the night and off they go. Eager to know a bit more about the city, and realising the best person to ask is either a hairdresser or taxi driver, he figures he should take advantage of his current situation. He leaned forward to ask the driver a question and tapped him lightly on the shoulder. The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb, and stopped just inches from a large plate glass window. For a few moments everything was silent in the cab. Then the still shaking driver turns and says, 'I'm sorry, but you scared the daylights out of me.' The frightened passenger apologized profusely to the driver, But he commented that he didn't realize a mere tap on the shoulder could frighten someone so much. The driver replied, 'No, no, I'm sorry, it's entirely my fault. Today is my first day driving a cab..... I've been driving a

When they finally retired, Margaret and Bert moved to Texas. It was time to relax and lay back and enjoy nature. They had earned it. Bert secretly felt that a pair of authentic cowboy boots would just finish off the picture. Then, seeing some on sale in town, he bought them and wore them home. Walking proudly, he sauntered into the kitchen and said to his wife, 'Notice anything different about me?' Margaret looked him over. 'Nope.' Frustrated, Bert stormed off into the bathroom, undressed and walked back into the kitchen completely naked except for the boots. Again he asked Margaret, a little louder this time, 'Notice anything different NOW?' Margaret looked up and exclaimed, 'Bert, what's different? It's hanging down today, It was hanging down yesterday, It'll be hanging down again tomorrow!' WOMEN thought Bert. No appreciation at all. Furious, Bert yelled, 'AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT'S HANGING DOWN, MARGARET?' 'Nope', she re

A very dapper older gentleman had an appointment to see a urology specialist who shared offices with several other big name doctors. The waiting room was filled with patients, all of whom seemed to have been waiting some time. The eyes watched his approach closely, looking for any distraction from the usual doctor's waiting room boredom. As he approached the receptionist's desk, he noticed that the receptionist was the same, large unfriendly woman who looked like a Sumo Wrestler that had been here last time. Urrgghhhh. She seemed to have no concept of discretion or tact. He quietly gave her his name. In a very loud voice, the receptionist said, 'YES, I HAVE YOUR NAME HERE; YOU WANT TO SEE THE DOCTOR ABOUT IMPOTENCE, RIGHT?' All the patients in the waiting room snapped their heads around to look at the very embarrassed man. He recovered quickly however, and in an equally loud voice replied, 'NO, I'VE COME TO INQUIRE ABOUT A SEX CHANGE OPERATION, BUT I DON'T W

She spent the first day packing her belongings into boxes, crates and suitcases. :-( On the second day, she had the movers come and collect her things. :-( On the third day, she sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining room table by candle-light, put on some soft background music, and feasted on a pound of shrimp, a jar of caviar, and a bottle of spring-water. :~/ When she had finished, she went into each and every room and deposited a few half-eaten shrimp shells dipped in caviar into the hollow of the curtain rods. :-O She then cleaned up the kitchen and left. :-( When the husband returned with his new girlfriend, all was bliss for the first few days. :-))))) Then slowly, the house began to smell. :-( They tried everything; cleaning, mopping and airing the place out. Vents were checked for dead rodents and carpets were steam cleaned . Air fresheners were hung everywhere. Exterminators were brought in to set off gas canisters, during which they had to move out for a few da

Did you know that eagles mate for life? Well one day Harry the eagle waited at the nest for Mary, his darling of 10 glorious years. After a while when she didn't return he went looking and found her. She had been shot. :( Dead! Harry was devastated, but after about six minutes of mourning (typical male) he decided that he must get himself another mate. But since there weren't any lady eagles available he'd have to cross the feather barrier. :0 So he flew off to find a new mate. :) He found a lovely dove and brought her back to the nest. The sex was good but all the dove would say is 'I am a DOVE, I want to love! I am a DOVE, I want to love!' Well this got on Harry's nerves so he kicked the dove out of the nest and flew off once more to find a mate. He soon found a very sexy loon and brought her back to the nest. Again the sex was good but all the loon would say is, 'I am a LOON, I want to spoon! I am a LOON, I want to spoon!' So out with the loon. Onc

Gilbert lived with his parents in a ritzy part of town with every appliance known to man. Then he heard his elderly grandpapa, who lived in a secluded valley in the mountains had been unwell. Gilbert decided it was time to go and meet the old fella. Gilbert arrived to find grandpapa much improved, and the spent the evening chatting and telling tales about their very different lives. Gilbert in a huge city with everything, Grandpapa in his tiny mountain cottage with the very barest of necessities. When the morning sun cleared away the mists, Grandpapa prepared a huge breakfast of bacon, eggs and toast. Gilbert was worried tho. Remember Gilbert is used to maids and cooks and dishwashers. He noticed a film like substance on his plate, and questioned his grandfather asking, "Are these plates clean?" His grandpapa replied, "They're as clean as cold water can get them. Just you go ahead and finish your meal, Sonny!" For lunch the old man made hamburgers. Again, Gilber

A man was walking down the street when he was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner. The man took out his wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead?" "No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied. "Will you use it to gamble instead of buying food?" the man asked. "No, I don't gamble," the homeless man said. "I need everything I can get just to stay alive." "Will you spend this on greens fees at a golf course instead of food?" the man asked. "Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't played golf in 20 years!" "Will you spend the money on a woman in the red light district instead of food?" the man asked. "What disease would I get for ten lousy bucks?!!" exclaimed the homeless man. "Well," said the man, &q

After just a few years of marriage, filled with constant arguments, a young man and his wife decided the only way to save their marriage was to try counseling. They had been at each other's throat for some time and felt that this was their last straw. When they arrived at the counselor's office, the counselor jumped right in and opened the floor for discussion. "What seems to be the problem?" Immediately, the husband held his long face down without anything to say. On the other hand, the wife began talking 90 miles an hour describing all the wrongs within their marriage. After 5...10...15 minutes of listening to the wife, the counselor went over to her, picked her up by her shoulders, kissed her passionately for several minutes, and sat her back down. Afterwards, the wife sat there speechless. He looked over at the husband who was staring in disbelief at what had happened. The counselor spoke to the husband, "Your wife NEEDS that at least twice a week!" The

Every Sunday, a little old lady placed $1,000 in the collection plate. This went on for several weeks until the pastor, overcome by curiosity, approached her one day. "Ma'am, I couldn't help but notice that you put $1,000 a week in the collection plate," he stated. "Why yes," she replied, "every week my son sends me money, and since I don't need it all, I give $1000.00 to the church." The pastor replied... "That's wonderful, how much does he send you?" The old lady said.... "Oh, around $20,000 a week." The pastor was amazed... "Your son is very successful, what does he do for a living? "He is a veterinarian," she answered. "That is a very honorable profession, "the pastor says. "Where does he practice?" The old lady said proudly...."Well, he has two cat houses in Las Vegas and one in Reno."

After having their 11th child, a hick country couple decided 11 was enough, as they could not afford a larger bed. So the husband went to his veterinarian and told him that he and his cousin didn't want to have any more children. The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem but that it was expensive. A less costly alternative, said the doctor, was to go home, get a cherry bomb (fireworks are still legal in some places. The law hasn't reached out that far yet), light it, put it in an empty beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10. The redneck said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest man in the world, but I don't see how putting cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me." "Trust me, " said the doctor. So the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count: "1" "2" "3" "4&quo