The Big Luder Jokes & Quotes

Deer Sir, I waunt to apply for the secritary job what I saw in the paper. I can Type real quik wit one finggar and do sum a counting. I think I am good on the phone and no I am a pepole person, Pepole really seam to respond to me well. I´m lookin for a Jobb as a secritary but it musent be to complicaited. I no my spelling is not to good but find that I Offen can get a job thru my persinalety. My salerery is open so we can discus wat you want to pay me and wat you think that I am werth, I can start imeditely. Thank you in advanse fore yore anser. . hopifuly Yore best aplicant so farr. Sinseerly, Peggy May Starlings PS : Because my resimay is a bit short - below is a pickture of me taken at my last jobb. Employer's response:...... Dear Peggy May, It's OK honey, we've got spell check

It's "friends Day" send this to all yo ur good friends. Even me, if I am one of them. See how many u get back. If u get more than 3, u r really a lovable person .................... I am waiting

If I happened to show up on your door step crying, Would you Care ? If I called you and asked you to pick me up because something Happened , Would you come? If I had one day left, to live my life; Would you be part of That last day ? If I needed a shoulder to cry on, Would you give me Yours ? Do you know what the relationship is between your two eyes? They blink together, they move together, they cry together, They see things together and they sleep together, BUT THEY NEVER SEE EACH OTHER ... that's what friendship is. Life is lonely without FRIENDS . It's 'world best friends week'. Send this to all Your good friends. Even me, if I am one of them. See how many you get back. If you get more than 3 then you really are a lovable person...

This is HILARIOUS! Just read the 'offense' and if you've done it, you owe that fine. Keep going until you've read each 'offense' and added up your total fine. Title your bulletin 'My Bail is $20........' You don't have to confess your answers, just the amount of your fine. 1) Smoked pot -- $10 2) Ever got drunk at work, or went to work while still drunk --$50 3) Cheated on your significant other -- $10 4) Been in love with two people or more at the same time -- $50 5) Said you love someone but didn't mean it -- $25 6) Went streaking -- $5 7) Went streaking in broad daylight -- $15 8) Kissed a co-worker-- $ 20 9)Kissed your boss --$50 10) Been arrested -- $5 11) Spent time in jail -- $15 12) Peed in the pool -- $0.50 13) Played spin the bottle -- $5 14) Done something you regret -- $20 15) Slept with your best friend >-- $20 16) Been in love with a stripper -- $20 17) Went skinny dipping -- $5 18) Been slapped-- $5 19) Slapped someone-- $5 20

A 90-year-old man was having his annual checkups. The doctor asked him how he was feeling. "I've never been better," the old man replied." I've got a twenty-year-old bride who's pregnant & is about to deliver a child. What is your opinion about that, Doc?" the old man asked. The doctor thought for a moment, then says, "Well,let me tell you a story. I know a guy who is a hunter. He never misses a season for hunting. But, one day he's in a bit of a hurry and he accidentally grabs his umbrella instead of his gun. The doctor continued, "So he's walking in the woods near a creek, and suddenly he spots a lion in some bush in front of him. He raises up his umbrella, points it at the lion and squeezes the handle. BAM! The lion drops dead in front of him." That's impossible!" said the old man in disbelief. Someone else must have shot! that lion. "Exactly" Said the Doc.

A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her. She immediately moved to another seat. This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again. The man seemed more amused. When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested. The case came up in court. The judge asked the man (about 20 years old) what he had to say for himself. The man replied, "Well your Honor, it was like this .. When the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help but notice her condition. She sat down under a sign that said,'The Double Mint Twins are Comin' and I grinned." "Then she moved and sat under a sign that said, ' Logan 's Liniment will reduce the swelling', and I had to smile." "Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said, "William's Big Stick Did the Trick", and I could hardly contain myself." "BUT, your Honor, when

A modern day cowboy has spent many days crossing the Texas plains without water. His horse has already died of thirst. He's crawling through the sand, certain that he has breathed his last breath, when all of a sudden; he sees an object sticking out of the sand several yards ahead of him. He crawls to the object, pulls it out of the sand, and discovers what looks to be an old brief case. He opens it and out pops a genie. But this is no ordinary genie. She is wearing an IRS ID badge and a dull gray dress. There's a calculator in her pocketbook. She has a pencil tucked behind one ear. "Well, cowboy," says the genie... "You know how I work. You have three wishes." "I'm not falling for this." said the cowboy. "I'm not going to trust an IRS genie." "What do you have to lose? You've got no transportation, and it looks like you're a goner anyway! The cowboy thinks about this for a minute, and decides that the genie is rig