The Big Luder Jokes & Quotes

A Rabbi and a Priest get into a car accident and it's a bad one. Both cars are totally demolished, but amazingly neither cleric is hurt. After they crawl out of their cars, the Rabbi sees the Priest's collar and says, "So you're a Priest, that's interesting. I'm a Rabbi... Wow! Just look at our cars. There's nothing left, but fortunately we are unhurt. This must be sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace the rest of our days." The Priest replied," I agree with you completely; this must be a sign from God! The Rabbi continued, "And look at this. Here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of Mogen David wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune." Then he hands the bottle to the Priest. The Priest shakes his head in agreement, opens it and takes a few big swigs from the bottle, then handing it back to the Rabbi. The Rabbi

Three mice are sitting at a bar in a pretty rough neighborhood late at night trying to impress each other about how tough they are. The first mouse pounds a shot of scotch, slams the glass onto the bar, turns to the second mouse and says, "When I see a mousetrap, I lie on my back and set it off with my foot. When the bar comes down, I catch it in my teeth, bench press it twenty times to work up an appetite, and then make off with the cheese." The second mouse orders up two shots of sour mash, pounds them both, slams each glass onto the bar, turns to the first mouse, and replies, "Yeah, well when I see rat poison, I collect as much as I can, take it home, grind it up to a powder, and add it to my coffee each morning so I can get a good buzz going for the rest of the day." The first mouse and the second mouse then turn to the third mouse. The third mouse lets out a long sigh and says to the first two, "I don't have time for this. I've got a date with the

An elderly couple were driving through County Kerry, Ireland. Irene was driving when she got pulled over by the Gardai, who asks her, 'Ma'am did you know that you were speeding?' Irene turns to her husband, Mick and enquires, 'What did he say?' Mick yells out, 'He says you were speeding!' The Garda said, 'May I see your license, please ma'am?' Irene, once again, turns to Mick and says, 'What did he say?' Once more, Mick, shouts out, 'He wants to see your license!' Irene gives the policeman her driving license. The Garda retorts, 'I see you are from Kerry. I spent some time there once and had the worst date I have ever had.' For the final time, Irene turns to Mick and asks, 'What did he say?' Mick yells very loudly, 'He thinks he knows you!'

Busy airport, Passengers on a commercial airliner, waiting for the pilot to so they can get under way. Finally... the pilot and copilot appear at the back(?) of the plane and make their way to the cockpit via the center aisle. Both appear to be blind(?); The pilot is using a white cane, bumping into passengers right and left as he stumbles down the aisle. The copilot is using a guide dog. Both have their eyes covered with very dark glasses. At first, the passengers do not react thinking that it must be some sort of practical joke. (Is it April 1st?) After a few minutes though, with the engines start revving, the airplane begins taxiing down the runway. No explanation,... No punch line... The passengers glance uneasily around. They start whispering among themselves and look desperately to the stewardesses for reassurance. Then the plane starts accelerating rapidly. The people begin panicking. Some passengers are praying. As the plane gets closer and closer to the end of the runway, the

Three depressed bricklayers - one English, one Scottish and one Irish - were having lunch at the top of some scaffolding one day when the klaxon sounded to indicate lunchtime. The English bricklayer opened his lunch box and discovered, much to his dismay, that he had spam sandwiches for lunch. "Not spam again, I hate it. If I get spam sandwiches again tomorrow I swear I shall leap off the scaffolding and kill myself", he exclaimed. "Count yourself lucky", replied the Scottish bricklayer, "I've got cheese sandwiches and I hate those. I'll be jumping off with you if I get them again". "Me too", said the Irishman, "I've got tuna and I really don't like fish. If I have tuna again tomorrow I'll be following the pair of you." The next day came around and the English bricklayer duly opened up his lunchbox to again see the dreaded spam sandwiches. "Right, I'm serious," he announced, "this is the very last

Last week was my birthday and I didn't feel very well waking up on that morning. I went downstairs for breakfast hoping my wife would be pleasant and say, 'Happy Birthday!', and possibly have a small present for me. As it turned out, she barely said good morning, let alone 'Happy Birthday.' I thought.. Well, that's marriage for you, but the kids... They will remember. My kids came bounding down stairs to breakfast and didn't say a word. So when I left for the office, I felt pretty low and somewhat despondent. As I walked into my office, my secretary Jane said, 'Good Morning Boss, Happy Birthday ! ' It felt a little better that at least someone had remembered. I worked until one o'clock, when Jane knocked on my door and said, 'You know, It's such a beautiful day outside, and it is your Birthday, what do you say we go out to lunch, just you and me.' I said, 'Thanks, Jane, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day. Let'

Keep this in mind when you have something to return and the store gives you a hard time A woman went to a K-Mart service counter and told the clerk she wanted a refund for the toaster she bought because it won't work. The clerk told her that he can't give her a refund because she bought it on special. Some lengthy "discussion" followed The clerk was quite clear on the matter. No refund would be given in this case. Suddenly, and quite animatedly, the woman threw her arms in the air and began screaming, "PINCH MY NIPPLES, PINCH MY NIPPLES, PINCH MY NIPPLES!!!!!!" This certainly got the attention of other shoppers in the store.. The befuddled and very embarrassed clerk disappeared to get the store manager. The manager arrives and assesses the situation. The woman is standing placidly at the counter. A collection of interested shoppers are lurking in the vicinity. He walks up and asks,"Ma'am what's wrong?" She explained the problem with the toa