The Big Luder Jokes & Quotes

It was a typical chaotic Friday evening at a large International Airport. Travelers, friends, relatives, airport personnel, pilots, flight attendants, the handicapped and infirm making their way through the throngs of shoulder to shoulder people. All of the ticket agents were doing their utmost to process each passenger as quickly as they could. But one man (there's always one) toward the end of the snaking line was obviously impatient and very frustrated at having to wait so long. He finally decided to march right up to the counter, pulling his wheeled suitcase and demanded that he be given his boarding pass. The ticket agent turned slightly, looked at him, blinked, took a deep breath and said, "Sir, as you can see there are many passengers ahead of you. We are doing our best to process the passengers as fast as we can. I'm afraid you'll have to get back in line". Outraged at being treated this way, the man yelled at the ticket agent, "Do you know who I am ?...

Bazza was moderately successful in his workplace, and reasonably attractive to the ladies, but as he got older he was increasingly hampered by incredible headaches. Then his personal hygiene and love life started to suffer, and he sought medical help. After the usual run around of being referred from one specialist to another, he eventually came across a doctor who diagnosed the problem. "The good news is I can cure your headaches, the bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition which causes your testicles to press up against the base of your spine. The pressure creates one hell of a headache and the increasing withdrawal from all activities. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles." Bazza was shocked and depressed, but decided he had no choice but to go under the knife. After the operation, his mind was clear, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. He walked down the street, and realized that he f...

An Aussie was having a coffee and croissants in a cafe when a gum chewing Yanky tourist, sat down beside him. The good natured Aussie tried to ignore the mouthy American, who, nevertheless started up a conversation. As he blew and snapped his gum he asked, 'You Australian folk eat the whole bread?' The Aussie frowned, annoyed with being bothered during his breakfast, and replied, 'of course.' The Yank blew a huge bubble and sneered. 'We don't. In the States, we only eat what's inside. The crusts we collect in a container, recycle them, transform them into croissants and sell them to Australia.' The Yank smirked. The Aussie listened in silence. But.. The American persisted, 'D'ya eat jam with your bread?' Sighing, the Australian replied, 'of course.' Cracking his gum between his teeth, the Yank continued, 'we don't. In the States, we eat fresh fruit for breakfast, then we put all the peels, seeds and the leftovers in containers...

Three guys, one Irish, one English, and one Scottish, are out walking along the beach together one day. They come across a lantern and after a bit of a rub over, a Genie pops out of it. A bit tricky, three masters all at once... But she works it out and decides "I will give you each one wish, that's three wishes in total", says the Genie. The Scottish guy goes first, Very practical are the Scots , "I am a fisherman, my Dad's a fisherman, his Dad was a fisherman and my son will be one too. I want all the oceans full of fish for all eternity." Too Easy... So, with a blink of the Genie's eye "FOOM"! the oceans are teaming with fish. The patriotic Englishman was amazed, and knew what he wanted. "I want a wall around England, protecting her, so that no one can get in. " Again, with a blink of the Genie's eye "POOF"! there appears a huge wall around England. The somewhat sceptical Irishman needs a bit more convincing. He's...

Four lawyers in a law firm lived and died for their Saturday morning round of golf. It was their favourite moment of the week. Then one of the lawyers was transferred to an office in another city. It wasn't quite the same without him. A new woman lawyer joined their law firm. One day she overheard the remaining three talking about their golf round in the break room. Curious, she spoke up, "You know, I used to play on my golf team in college and I was pretty good. Would you mind if I joined you next week"? The three lawyers looked at each other. They were hesitant. Not one of them wanted to say 'yes', but she had them on the spot. Finally one man said it would be okay, but they would be starting pretty early at 6:30 am. He figured the early Tee-Time would discourage her immediately. The woman said this might be a problem and asked if she could possibly be up to 15 minutes late. They rolled their eyes but said this would be okay. She smiled and said, "Good, th...

A couple, both age 78, went to a sex therapist`s office. The doctor asked, "What can I do for you?" The man said, "Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?" The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed. When the couple finished, the doctor said, "There`s nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse," and charged them $50. This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an appointment, have intercourse with no problems, pay the doctor, then leave. Finally the doctor asked, "Just exactly what are you trying to find out?" The old man said, "We're not trying to find out anything. She's married and we can't go to her house. I'm married and we can`t go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $90. The Hilton charges $108. We do it here for $50, and I get $43 back from Medicare.

Three women die in a car accident and go to Heaven. Saint Peter meets them at the Gates and welcomes them saying "you can do as you please in Heaven, there is only one rule... just don't step on any ducks." The women are puzzled but proceed into Heaven. Looking around, they notice there are ducks everywhere. In a matter of minutes, one of the women steps on a duck. Saint Peter walks up to the woman with a hideously ugly man. Saint Peter shackles the man and the woman together and says, "for stepping on a duck, you have to spend eternity chained to this ugly man." The other two women are shocked but go about their business until, sure enough, another woman steps on a duck. Immediately Saint Peter, who never misses a thing, comes and shackles her to another ugly man. The last woman tries desperately to not step on a duck. Several months go by and she has managed to not step on any ducks. Saint Peter walks then up to the woman accompanied by a stunningly handsome m...